About Kids

[NOTE: A friend of mind commented to me one day that I "would have made such an awesome dad." This is my response.]

Hey [friend]-- I realize today that I am WAAAAAY behind on coming back to you about this topic, and if you were eagerly anticipating my response, I apologize. Additionally, I don't know how remarkable my answers will be. But you had asked about why I never made any kids, while folks like [two friends/former band-mates] are bringing new people into the world. It certainly won't be an uplifting kind of answer, so if you're not in the mood for a potential downer, then put this down until you're up for it. "You've been warned," as they say. /// At a relatively early age, I determined that I didn't want to make any children. Mortality was a "big, nasty" subject that rattled around in my head inscrutable, until perhaps its culmination with the experience of watching the death of my father. I saw the pain and suffering he was experiencing, and felt that it must have been horrible. On top of that, those who were left behind - specifically, my mother, my siblings, and myself - all dealt with losing that person from their life, and yet lived on afterward. I didn't want to make children because I didn't want them to chance feeling the way I did, or have to endure the kind of thing my mother did when my father passed. Next, I was concerned about heredity. There seem to be conflicting conclusions about how some diseases are passed down from one generation to the next, or later generations. But I was unconvinced to the point that preventing future generations from receiving any possible cancer that might linger in my genes was a major concern. Following that, I think there are already plenty of humans. Babies are crawling all over. Culturally, the pressure to breed is strong. So one person who refuses to breed isn't really a loss. Furthermore, my brother and sister now have six kids between the two of them, so they've more than made up for me opting-out. Children are expensive. They are incredibly time-consuming. They carry diseases and bacteria that make them and those around them sick. I'd be responsible for nearly every aspect of their life, even after they're considered adults. I would not be able to live my own life, free of such responsibilities, if my then-wife and I hadn't opted for an abortion now almost half my life ago, and if I hadn't gone for a complete vasectomy at 32. Sex became much more enjoyable after that, for sure... I personally think that women are forced to shoulder the responsibility of childcare and also birth control far too much in our society. The Rhythm Method is far too inaccurate for prevention. So many things can go wrong with a pregnancy. The woman who carries the child and eventually gives birth also carries a number of current/acute and long-term health risks. Witnessing the health issues Amber (my brother's wife) has experienced and has complained about, I'd be hard-pressed to come up with good reasons to force a woman to go through that. Nothing is guaranteed, and there are lots of risks that I don't feel comfortable taking. That's what much of this boils down to. However, up until this point I've been mum (no pun intended) about non-personal concerns. Specifically, I'm referring to the magnitude of the hostility present in the economic, social, and especially environmental landscape I'd be bringing a person into, completely without their permission or agreement. No clean water. No pleasant weather. Animal extinction. Threat of nuclear war. Disease, Economic collapse. Potential of rape, abuse, or torture (I personally would not be able to sleep a wink if I had a female baby, as their risk for those three is about a thousand times greater than that of a male). For good or ill, much of this can be linked back to human activity. I'm personally disappointed in humanity. Its intuition is outrunning both its intelligence and its willingness to do the right thing. To bring a human being (or any sentient life form, for that matter) into existence within this context is, in my view, irresponsible. I suppose I'm just much more ambivalent about life than either [my old friends]. Those guys have it together in ways that I clearly don't. Either that, or they're comfortable in taking risks. But just in case I happen to be right, I'm comforted that I wouldn't be wracked with guilt for the rest of my life. So, how 'bout them apples? With love and warmth, Stephen