About Baseball

ABOUT BASEBALL

Of all the sports in the world I detest, the one I hate the most has to be baseball. I just suck at it so bad. I hate anything I don't do well, particularly so if I try my hardest at it and there are still so many others so much better at it than me. Baseball is at the top of this list. It's pointless and inaccessible simultaneously.

My hatred of America's favourite public past-time stems from my youth, as most of my many traumas have. Being left-handed meant that I would always play in the outfield. Well, being left-handed and sucking, that is. I couldn't pitch fast enough, so that was out.

Beyond that, I collected a host of interesting statistics, including a .018 batting average. That means that throughout the torture that was Little League, I hit the ball once at bat. And when I say "once at bat," I don't mean, "as soon as someone threw a pitch at me." I mean literally one time. I'll tell you about that tomorrow. But today, it's all about how baseball just sucks eggs.

My dad so desperately wanted me to not suck. It's not my fault it's such a shitty sport, dad. Why piss up a rope?

When I play team sports though, I typically end up injuring my team mates. I remember while on the t-ball team in first or second grade, one time I thought it would be useful to practice my swing. Out of nowhere a team mate comes running and his face impacts the bat with a sickening *crack*. Weeks later he's back, smiling as always, his mouth looking like a checkerboard. My checkerboard.

Then there was the time I broke my brother's nose with a long ball thrown that was just too hard, only hours before his Little League championship game. Then, the backyard wiffle-ball game that turned into a wrestling match with Kenny Scaffidi...

Baseball fucking sucks.

But Eddie Murray was cool.